So uh. I don’t know if anyone’s been paying attention to what the weather’s been like in the Midwest (and the South!!), but we’re in what feels like the third month of single digit temperatures, even though I think it’s only been two weeks or so. Doesn’t matter, I’ve left my apartment maybe three times in the past two weeks and I’m about to mcfricken loose it. All I want to do is open some windows and flood my apartment with some sultry 29 degree air and sunshine like a maniac, but alas, that opportunity seems so distant at this point. I didn’t think I was susceptible to winter doldrums but I was wrong; normally I love all the snow and cold, and only get tired of it in early March. But this oppressive, bitter cold coupled with like twelve inches of old snow pack? Absolutely not. This winter is testing me. (Update: it’s going to be 28 today so I’m definitely opening windows!)
I feel as though I don’t have much to say right now, mostly because what I want to say focuses on more unpleasant things: a spineless senate and its acquittal of actual insurrection, half a million covid deaths and folks still not giving a shit, the ever crumbling food infrastructure and dehumanization of people working within it, etc.
Look, y’all, I’m fucking tired. We all are. My stress level doesn’t self-regulate well to begin with and then fighting a psoriasis outbreak and dealing with shockingly cold weather on top of that has just really worn me out. All I can get myself to do is knit or watch things on the internet, but not even at the same time. I can’t even read right now! Reading more than a five minute piece tests my ability to focus in ways I don’t feel like being tested right now. I find myself reading the same paragraph over and over again because it just doesn’t sink in the first five times. And this is to say nothing of what’s it’s been like to get myself to sit down and write.
I frequently wonder if this is something I’m “meant” to do. I think that’s misleading for a lot of people, thinking about what they’re meant to do. It’s talking as if there’s only one thing, a calling, the one thing you will excel at, and anything else you do is just a waste of your time. I think this is a dangerous way to talk about life choices, and in fact I think it’s damaging to limit yourself that way. It’s the same as putting pressure on yourself to find “the one,” your soulmate, that singular person with which you will spend the rest of your life with. Anyone else is a waste of time, and if you don’t find your soulmate, you’re doomed to die alone or unhappy. It’s shitty, damaging thinking; I’ve watched it in action. To apply this concept to other parts of life would be foolish, but I think it’s a trap we all fall into, and well, I’m down in the hole now so I’m just kind of marinating in it and feeling out what to do.
This is all to say that I don’t really know why I’m here in your inbox. I’m grappling with that still, thinking about what I want this space to be. Originally it was to be a space wherein I talked about what I was cooking and what I was reading. I mean, I could probably find a few hundred words on my rediscovered love of Annie’s boxed mac and cheese, I don’t know if that’s worthwhile. I like pieces about singular, niche food loves, but it’s a saturated field, and with system-wide pains groaning under the pressures of the pandemic and our crumbling democracy, it seems perverse to talk about an abiding love for a mass produced food product while people still can’t get food on their tables. I’ve done that before. I question the legitimacy of doing that now.
So here I am, sliding into your dms to carry out my soft existential anxiety out in the public because I am nothing if not a caricature of myself. I appreciate you reading and coming along for the ride. I’ve got some links and recommendations to say thanks for being here.
Hands down the best thing I have watched this year is Crash Landing on You (Netflix). Have I consumed the K-drama kool-aid? Maybe a little. Becoming a BTS fan was a slippery slope down onto the Hallyu wave, that’s for sure. Just as before, I’m late to the party on this one; it’s already swept the world, but damn, at least I showed up. This drama has it all: scheming family members, a love quadrangle, action (mostly realistic gun handling!!!), and heart stopping will they/won’t they. If you’re looking for something with some slower pacing but a huge budget, this is the series for you.
This is might be the spiciest take I have ever seen. Pandemic times leave no rabbit hole unexplored, it seems.
I love hearing kids talk about their favorite video games, but I’m trying to decide how i feel about playing many of the same games that they do? This piece was a follow up to this interview, which was a really good response to the NYT article about parents worrying about screen time and video games. I can’t find the article, which might be related to the sudden the caffeine withdrawal headache I’m experiencing rn? Pretty sure she linked it in there somewhere anyway. Check it out though, Ann Helen Peterson’s newsletter is awesome and it’s one of the many I look forward to each week.
Eric Kim wrote an essay on a very importan topic that I think requires more talk at some point: the second fridge. His is just a brief look, and he does touch upon some of the nuanced issues with having a second fridge, however more common it has become. We just signed a lease to rent a house next year, and the first thing I want to buy once we move in is a chest freezer. Between that and this article, I’ve been thinking a lot about that means from a socio-economic and especially from a climatic stand point. The grind of small daily existential crisis (not a bad thing!) continues.
Several weeks ago, before the Big Freeze, I finished Merlin Sheldrake’s Entangled Life. And it was great, if you like contemplating the meaning of life on a very small, infinitesimal level (I do). This NYT article on mushrooms seems like a fitting follow up, putting the advent of DIY mushroom grow kits into context with the Pandemic and our changing understanding of how fungi work. If you like this article, definitely check out the book.
Y’all, I have soooo much good shit in my instapaper account that I’ve just flat out ignored. Can’t wait to have the attention span to read again.
I can’t be sure when I’ll be sending out more letters. I don’t feel like I have much to say right now, and that coupled with low energy brought on by the slog of winter means that I’m still feeling burnt out. I don’t say this to worry anyone! I’m fine, just working out some stuff. That said, I wanted to be clear that letters will be significantly more sporadic from now on. You can find me on Twitter and Instagram, where I post dumb things about daily life from time to time. Mostly, I just lurk like a frog on the edge of the internet cesspool. For now, I’ll see you in the next letter, some time in the near future. Stay safe and warm <3